If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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