Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
