dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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