You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
