He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
