He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
