Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
