When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
