So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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