i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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