I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
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I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
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Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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