opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
