she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Dear god my vagina.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
