Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
