So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
