Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I would ride that face into the sunset
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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