I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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