Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Randomize
