it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
