Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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