I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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