apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
