I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I just made out with a guy for $7.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
