i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Watching her eat just hurts me
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
