Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
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the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
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And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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