proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
