I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
