My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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