Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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