Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
