Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
