Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Is it penis luge time yet?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
