a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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