It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Acid is not a monday night drug
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
