I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
