What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize