I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
