She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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