bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
