it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
