checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
