Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
