Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
