I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Im part way to drunk.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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