Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
