that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
the day after is always just damage control
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
