He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
