I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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