last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Randomize
