I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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