Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
