I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
