Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This is my gift to your gina
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
