It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
