1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
