So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
