Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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