I just saw a hot homeless man
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
