You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
